I Am His Voice…He Is My Peace

I remember the exact day the official diagnosis came, but truthfully, my heart knew long before then. There was a quiet whisper, a persistent knowing in my gut that something was different…

As a nurse, I’ve seen countless children hit their developmental milestones, bounce through their routines, and express themselves with ease. So when it came to my own child, the subtle shifts became undeniable signs. The abnormal sleep patterns that turned nights into endless stretches of worry. The delayed milestones that made me constantly compare, even when I desperately tried not to. And then, the meltdowns. Oh, the meltdowns. They were intense, consuming, and often left my partner and I both utterly drained.

The Weight of “What Did I Do?”

Grasping that something was different, and then hearing the word “autism,” was incredibly hard. A part of me, the part that’s human and vulnerable, went straight to “not my child.” And then, that insidious question began to creep in: Is this something I did?

As Black women, we carry immense day-to-day stresses. We navigate systems that often aren’t built for us, advocating not just for ourselves but for our families. Did these stresses, did something I did, cause this? Being completely transparent, there was anger. This was the child I had always dreamed of… longed for. The negative stigmas surrounding autism, the societal views – they swirled in my mind. Will he lead a normal life? Will he be okay? These questions felt like a heavy weight on my chest.

You watch other children reach their milestones effortlessly – talking, playing, making eye contact – and there’s a hint of jealousy at some point. A silent ache for the path you thought you’d walk. In those moments, it’s hard to pause and truly appreciate the profound blessing that has been bestowed upon you.

Beyond the Words: Our Beautiful Growth

Today, my child is nonverbal. He bites, he screams, he scratches sometimes, all in an earnest, desperate attempt to express himself…to tell us what he needs or feels when the words just won’t come. It’s challenging, yes, but even in those moments, I see his magnificent spirit.

And amidst the challenges, his growth has been nothing short of a beautiful thing to witness. He is smart, soaking up the world in his own unique way. He’s incredibly creative, showing me new perspectives every single day. He’s surprisingly self-sufficient, figuring things out with a determination that inspires me. And above all, he is such a mama’s boy! His quiet cuddles, his unique ways of showing affection, are pure joy.

Fortunately, through it all, I have a support system that is unmatched. My family and friends have been my anchor, reminding me to breathe, to lean on them, and to see the incredible light my son brings into our lives.

From Sulking to Superpower: Choosing to Be Proactive

It’s easy to get lost in the sadness, to sulk and remain trapped in a negative mindset. I’ve been there. But here’s the truth I’ve learned: my baby has a superpower. His unique brain is a gift, and now is the time to be proactive, to embrace every tool available to help him thrive.

We plunged into early intervention, and I’m thrilled to share that he is thriving in behavioral therapy, speech therapy, and occupational therapy. Every small gain feels like a monumental victory, a testament to his resilience and the power of consistent support. He will be okay, and I truly believe yours will too.

Working among kids and families, especially in a predominantly Black school district, I’ve seen firsthand how often we tend to ignore and deny these early signs. It’s a natural coping mechanism—a struggle to accept something we don’t fully understand or that carries a stigma. But I want you to know: it’s okay. It’s okay to have these feelings, and it’s okay to accept what is. You are not alone in this journey.

This journey with autism isn’t what I expected, but it is undeniably ours. It’s filled with complex emotions, but also with immense love, learning, and the unique beauty of a brain wired differently. And through this blog, I hope to share more of it with you, so you know you’re not alone.